


Aftermath

by Yamiku



Series: Two sides of the same coin [1]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) RPF
Genre: Affection, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Mutant, Boys In Love, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Charles Xavier has still hope, Charles and Erik come to an agreement, Charles being full of hope, Charles being polite, Charles flat is a total mess, Charles is comforting, Charles is raging, Charles is yelling at Erik, Cherik - Freeform, Confrontations, Declarations Of Love, Emotionally Repressed, Emotions, Erik Lehnsherr is being a dick, Erik is a coward, Erik is a pessimist, Erik is condemning himself, Erik messing up, Erik reveals his emotions, Erik reveals his motives, F/M, Forgive Me, Forgiveness, Hope, Human, Lights and darks, Loss of Parent(s), Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, Making Up, Men Crying, Mental Breakdown, Mother-Son Relationship, Past Relationship(s), Poor Charles, Post-Betrayal, Relationship Issues, Reveal, Self-Hatred, Self-Protection, Siblings, Tears, X-Men References, X-men Inspired, agreement, black and white, emotional breakdown, fear of emotions, hint of erection problems caused by emotional issues, hint of impotence cause of emotinal issues, intrusion of home and heart, the darnkess within, two sides of the same coin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 09:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8839564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yamiku/pseuds/Yamiku
Summary: „My mum always told me you have to rip the Band-Aid off to get rid of the pain easier. “Mentioning his dear mother earned him the irritated gaze of the others deep blue eyes.„Well… I think she was wrong. “___________________________________________________Erik messed up the only relationship that seemed to be worth it so he ended up standing in front of Charles door a while after.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Die deutsche Version findet ihr hier: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8840350/chapters/20271097
> 
> I've somehow become (a little bit) addicted to the relationship of Charles and Erik after watching the movies with James McAvoy and Michael Fassbander in which the portrayed those two men at a younger age.  
> I truly liked (and still like) the dynamic between those two chacacters that are siginificantly diffentent from each other, but somehow do want similar things 'though they're trying to achieve it in totally different ways. 
> 
> I ended up reading plenty of fanfictions concerning them and found myself thinking about writing a story myself.  
> Mostly because I enjoyed reading some of them, but was only impressed by a few. 
> 
> It's always hard to write an already exiting character in a way that is in character and not totally different from what he might do or say.  
> That's the main reason why it took me so long to start writing.  
> To be honest, I was scared to destroy their characters and end up looking at my story, shaking the head and ask myself what the fuck I had done.  
> At least I somehow managed to create something I'm satisfied with.  
> I would be honored if anybode else would read it and find a liking in it, too. 
> 
> This work is only a part (guess it will become the 5th part) of a bigger one, I'll go on with soon.  
> It's a chapter that is set in the present, one might say. A lot of things happened between Erik and Charles and this is kinda the outcome of it.
> 
> Please be aware of that English is not my mother language. Therefore it might be that there are some things written in a totally awful way concerning grammar and vocabulary.

„My mum always told me you have to rip the Band-Aid off to get rid of the pain easier. “

Mentioning his dear mother earned him the irritated gaze of the others deep blue eyes.  
He still seemed to be aware of her importance to him and that he would never thoughtless mention her, if mention her at all.  
At least that gained him the attention he was longing for.  
Though there was only silence radiating from the other man, his look was piercing right through his soul.  
He knew that he was all but an open book easy to read by anyone.  
He also knew that Charles was not able to see all the way down to the bottom of his jet black soul.  
He wasn’t able to read minds after all, in spite of the fact that the empathy he was definitely born with, kind of gave the impression he was capable of it.  
However, this fact didn’t spare him the way he felt about his gaze.  
It was like he’d neither been wearing any clothes, which covered his body, nor would the veil that normally hid the secrets of his soul, be in existence.  
As if he was completely naked. Helplessly exposed to the bright light.  
The mere thought of it made him swallow audible.  
That was one of the reasons…  
No, it was the main reason, if not the only, why he’d preferred to stay away from him and to push him as far away as possible.  
This bareness and vulnerability was nothing he could handle easily. 

He’d worked years to get rid of any emotion that could tie him up.  
Years to build walls no one could overcome and if one ever successfully did, fell down after reaching the other side, breaking his neck.  
All the years this worked for him. Truly worked wonderfully ‘till this damn light hit him.  
This person, who was able to bypass these walls unnoticed. He’d walked straight through them, as if they hadn’t been there and made his way to a place, Erik forbad absolutely everyone to see after all this tragedy that had happened in his life.  
He was irritated in an alerting way, what activated his self-protection. 

Several seconds passed in which he could only look into those demanding eyes, before he was able to raise his voice again. 

„Well… I think she was wrong. “

This earned him a sceptical gaze combined with a total lack of understanding.  
He was moving closer to his conversational partner, but stopped by the hand he raised and the harsh words that followed only moments after.

„Are you truly comparing me to a band- Aid, Erik? “

The older opened his mouth to protest, but was immediately hit by an exasperated look followed by a sound, which seemed to be reflecting, how absolutely unimpressed Charles was by this whole situation.  
He shook his head and lowered his hand. 

„You just played with me, used me and on top of it all, you slept with my sister. My little sister, Erik! Bloody hell.” 

He just started laughing after that.  
Not the happy laughter that somehow always blessed Erik with the warm feeling he learned to appreciate but one that curdled his blood and let his facial expression turn into one capable of mirroring a person’s feeling, who was stabbed to death. 

„You used my kindness and my body for your own pleasure and threw me away like a pair of old niffy socks you had no use for anymore. And now you’re bold enough to show your face to me again after all those weeks and month I agonised, why the hell all of this happened to me!? Why I haven’t seen this coming and was so blind all the time? Why you are such an enormous bugger? “

The more the dark-haired man spoke, the louder became his voice.  
He reduced the distance between them with some aggressively made steps, grabbed the collar of his dark turtleneck and yelled straight into his face after pulling him down to compensate the difference in height.

„You’re an egotistical, cowardly bugger, Erik! You threw me away and almost killed the relationship between my sister and I. “

Charles raged and there seemed to be a lot more he wanted to say to him, now that he was able to do it face to face. Considering the hard grip on his top, he maybe wanted to kick his ass not only in a verbal way.  
Certainly, this rage was not big enough to overpower his good manners that appeared the very moment, when an older woman was opening the door to her flat on the other side of the floor, sticking out her head and staring at the two men who obviously disturbed her.  
She cleared her throat to make sure she was heard by them and began to speak loud enough to let Charles wince. 

„Would you mind to turn down the volume of your conversation a little bit? I’d rather not change my positive impression of you, love! “

He let go of Erik reflexive while listening to the words and created some space between them by stepping back to get a better view of the old lady.  
Showing her his most endearing smile, he gestured apologising, slightly embarrassed. 

„I’m truly sorry, Mrs. Wallace. It was not my intention to disturb you. I promise this is not going to happen again.”

She nodded silently, regarding the figure of the man unknown to her and closed her door only seconds later to leave them alone. 

As soon as there was no one else around, Charles full attention was given back to this intruder, who had not only occupied his heart, but also his living space by now.  
Without any further warning, he grabbed his wrist, pulled him down the hallway and shoved him into his flat and the living room ahead, closing the door behind them with a loud bang that made his body flinch.  
Any other time Erik would have used the opportunity to comment on the chaos ahead of him. All those books and sheets spread out on the sofa and the table, what made the room look like an unorganised mess.  
Any other time except for now, when he felt a piercing glance on his neck.  
He turned around slowly, expecting the other to yell at him again like he did before, but what he found himself confronted with, was worse than he could have imagined. 

Charles was silent. His hands clenched into fists, standing in the middle of the short corridor of his home with tears running down his cheeks, forcing their way down to his chin, where they were dripping to the wooden floor with a dull noise. 

Gasping Erik took in this scene, trying hard not to look away, while everything inside of him tightened into a clot of emotions. He almost got sick of the stinging pain in his chest.  
What had he done? How had he even been able to deform this beautiful, naive, innocent, happy ever after being into something distorted like that? 

He pressed his lips together till there was nothing left but a thin line. 

Charles was light.  
Clear, warm, penetrating light. Lovely, understanding, helpful.  
Light that was able to win everything and everyone over. It never dimmed no matter how dark the world became surrounding it. Now… it was flickering.  
Hurt, stained by no one else but him. Him and the darkness of his very existence.  
The darkness that had captured him a long time ago and made clear, he’d surrender to it without fighting. He’d reached out and stained the bright light with dark fingerprints that seemed to last thus far. 

„I’m sorry, Charles…“

He started after seconds of silence that seemed to be stretching endlessly between them. 

„For what I’ve done to you… I’m truly, deeply sorry. “

He was hit by this choked laughter again, followed by a head-shaking made the tears fly into every direction before falling down to the ground like rain. 

„You’re sorry then, aren’t you!? “

Sarcasm struck the ear of the blonde, made him reconsider the choice of his visit.  
Maybe it would have been better to just leave him alone. Spare him his company and allow him to lick the wounds caused once and somehow opened up again by him now. 

„What is it you’re sorry for, Erik? Is it that you exposed me? That you fucked me or is it about Raven who you…“

Charles pressed both lips on top of each other and bristled with anger, unwilling to use such vulgar words for anything considering his sister. 

„I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, that I truly don’t give a fuck what you are sorry for. I honestly couldn’t care less.  
And I’m exceptionally sorry for the fact I trusted you. I trusted you and you betrayed me and the worst thing is, that I’m not even capable of hating you.  
I tried, I truly did, but I couldn’t manage it. ‘Though my mind curses you for everything you did to me, my heart’s still holding to the thought there must be a reason for all this.  
There must be a reason, why you behaved like the monster you told me you are, but I never ever believed you to be…“ 

There was a short pause, when the dark haired man breathed deeply and tried to get a grip on himself to not jump up at Erik to strangle him. 

„I should have known better. For all I’ve known, I should have known better, but I was blind. Didn’t want to see what was obvious.  
Maybe you’re right and I’m way too naive, always seeing the good where there is none, trying to cling to it desperately.“

Erik curled his lips, gazing the troubled man in front of him, only wanting to do one thing in this moment, to hug him.  
No matter how aggressively the voice in the back of his head shouted at him to leave, leave him so he could live his life in peace, he couldn’t go.  
No, he didn’t want to. That was the more fitting way to state it. 

Charles was right. He was a selfish person. A cowardly egoist. Maybe he was right about a lot of other things as well, Erik wouldn’t admit to him.  
It was true that he messed up. Messed up in every which way he possibly could and did it intentionally.  
Even though, he in fact did it on purpose, he destroyed something deep down inside of him he wasn’t aware of.

He thought of what had gone wrong over and over again for the last year.  
Why the fact he had let darkness take over didn’t satisfy him.  
Why those frivolous affairs he had, due to get rid of those thoughts hunting him and distract himself, hadn’t satisfied him in the slightest way.  
The only thing that was clear after countless of them was that he yearned for that person, who took control over this forbidden place inside of him.  
The more he managed to realise this, the less he could manage to share the bed with others, up to not being able to manage anything at all.  
This game of hide and seek had to end.  
He didn’t give in to the illusion that he could ever been forgiven or that there would be any more chances for them to be, but this was not about him.

„Charles, I…“ 

„What is it that you want from me?“ 

Blinking the grey blue eyes watched the sparkling sapphire. 

„You can’t be here for telling me a story about Band-Aid, can you? So what are you here for, Erik?“

He took a deep breath. 

This little fighting was something he always enjoyed, but only in a playful, intellectual way not when there were personal emotions involved. At least not, if it was about positive ones.  
That’s why he found himself struggling for words. He never thought of the way this conversation could precede after bringing up this little Band-Aid analogy.  
He basically just mentioned it, because he was reminded of those words when he had been sprawled out on the sheets of his bed, looking at the dark ceiling above him for what had seemed like hours.  
That had been another night of those unlucky encounters to get rid of some tension. 

‘Pflaster muss man schnell abreißen, mein Schatz, damit der Schmerz nicht von Dauer ist. ‘  
(‚You have to rip the Band-Aid off, honey, to make sure there’s only a short pain following. ‘)

His mother said when he was standing with teary eyes in front of her, after she had ripped this little thing off a wound placed on his elbow.  
She smiled at him understanding, took his arm and blew on the bruise gently.  
Realising that the pain was truly of short lasting, it fully made sense to him.  
It couldn’t be quite plain to him that it could also be possible, to not only rip off the adhesive but some skin causing a new wound, too.  
A wound that hurt and wouldn’t heal properly. One that would end up being a scar.  
He always lived his life like that. Left for fresh fields before being trapped with something too serious.  
It perfectly worked out till this brown-haired man walked into his life to belie this theory. 

„You were right, Charles… You still are. “ 

He started, earning another doubtfully gaze.  
Only this time, he didn’t allow the other to interrupt him, had he only stopped to take a breath and so he continued unimpressed. 

„My behaviour truly was cowardly. I couldn’t stand acknowledging the weight of your importance to me.  
I’ve always been a selfish bugger, taking everything I wanted whenever I wanted it.  
I’ve been called an emotionless monster so many times, I couldn’t even count and I got used to it. I accepted and adjusted to it to play along.  
You know, a monster can do whatever a monster wants to do, because it IS in fact a monster. “

He pulled back some strands of hair blocking his view in a flowing movement, before letting his hand loosely resting against his thigh. 

„At first, I thought you were nothing but a naive idiot, who tried to get the confirmation of his idealistic world view by proving, even a kinky being like me could be a good man deep down.“

„I don’t have to listen to you insulting me within my own home. “ 

Charles finally managed to stop him from talking, crossing his arms above his chest, glaring at the taller one angrily. 

„If you don’t have anything else to say, leave already! “

And there it was, the end of Erik’s’ self- control.  
He moved into the others personal space, ruggedly grabbed his upper arms and forced him against the wall behind him.

„If you truly want to know what I have to say, don’t interrupt me all the time! “

„What if I’m not interested in the slightest way? “

The smaller man countered snippy, while leaning his head against the wall, looking up at Erik in a challenging way. 

„Why on earth letting me into your flat in the first place and asking me for the reason I’m here, when you’re not interested at all? “ 

His voice came out in a raspy way while returning the gaze. 

„You just showed up at my front door, causing me to loose temper and annoy a neighbour, I had been on good terms with so far.“ 

„I’m not the one yelled in the hallway, Charles. “ 

„No, but you’re the one forced me to. So it’s your damn fault“

„I think you’re capable of handling a neighbour that had realised you’re more than just a robot with good manners. “ 

„Being polite has nothing to do with being an emotionless robot, bugger! “ 

There was a provoking smile showing on the lips of the blonde man. 

„Oh, where are your manners now, Charles? That was definitely not very polite. “

„Fuck you, Erik! “

It was somehow complicated to not reply with ‘I’d rather fuck you‘ to not let this situation escalate more than it already had. 

„Charles...“

He tried in a significant calmer way, earning him a roll of blue eyes.  
Despite he tried to stay as calm as possible to go on and somehow managed it.

„What I did to you was wrong. Everything I did to Raven to hurt you was wrong likewise. I wasn’t thinking very well.  
No matter what you got to know about me, you didn’t condemn me. It was quite the contrary.  
You welcomed me with open arms and believed in something I didn’t even know still existing. I couldn’t handle it. “ 

At least his words managed to decrease the stress of Charles body a little bit ‘though his gaze was still reflecting the anger rampaging inside of him.  
He let go of him making room and slightly sighed. 

„You’ve managed to enter a spot I denied to anyone after my mother died. You’ve entered and occupied it without me noticing, while I did everything to keep others away.  
It took me so long to overcome the pain her death caused me that I swore to never let anyone become that important again, in order to prevent myself from collapsing.“

The thought of his mother made him clenche his jaw and turn away his gaze to prevent blaze up the anger he felt because of her death. 

„This is not a begging for forgiveness. I know it’s impossible to forgive all I’ve done to you.  
I’m not more than a monster that sank its claws into your flesh and stained it… Not more than a cowardly monster…“ 

With every word he said, his fighting spirit diminished until there was nothing more than a resignedly sigh. 

„I should leave…“ 

He made another step further away from Charles, closer to the door, which handle he was barely reaching with his fingertips, before realising his wrist was held again. 

„You are not a monster. “ 

The soft voice of the younger hit him entirely unexpected, covering him within warmth that caused him to lower his hand. 

„I know… I always knew you wanted to be one and could only guess that it must be some kind of protection for you… I was happy you let me in, but…“ 

Charles gasped. 

„Me possibly knowing why people do things and what they may feel, doesn’t mean I’m capable of influencing any thoughts or actions of them, Erik…  
Even if I wanted to from time to time.“ 

Slowly, very slowly Erik turned around, looked at the hand still holding him in a firm grip and into those eyes watching him sadly. 

„I truly am sorry…“ 

His words were smothered by two fingers covering his lips. 

„You’ve pushed me away to protect yourself. What was it you achieved by it? Was there even anything, Erik?  
The only thing you managed to do, was hurting others and yourself in the process.  
Therefore you’re not an emotionless monster. An idiot, but definitely not a monster. “

There was a little smirk on Charles lips when he lowered his fingers.

„What’s the meaning of this!? “ 

Erik’s voice was not more than a whisper.  
He narrowed his eyes, watching the other totally confused.  
He couldn’t think of a reason, why he was stopped from leaving, nor could he figure out the meaning of the words that were said.  
Trying to see the whole picture, he found himself arranging the jigsaws placed in front of him.

„You never told me what it is I am to you. Like…  
It was kind of easy to guess watching your behaviour…. I mean… at least until…“ 

The fingers, still placed neatly around the others wrist, began to shake, when Charles looked at them with dull expression.  
He felt tears filling his eyes and sighed, when he realised it was a useless attempt to get rid of them.  
Multiple seconds passed while no one of them spoke a single word.  
He released his grip and ran his hand over his face to, at least, let some of his tears disappear, before looking up to meet Erik’s gaze again. 

„To be honest, you hurt me in a way it would be wiser to hate you for and never forgive you, but as I told you previously, I just can’t.  
I’ve hated myself for not being able to, but I could never hate you, Erik.  
In fact I only hate living a life without you in it. “

Erik pursed his lips, breathed loudly and tried hard to brace himself and to assess the situation.  
He was not expelled from Charles home, what he’d definitely deserved.  
He was not yelled at anymore, what he would have deserved, too.  
Instead he was forgiven, discovered himself with a chance to be at the side of this adorable, warm-hearted man again, what was something, he surely not deserved.  
The realisation of this hit him without warning.  
Giving in the fight with the little self-control that was left, he collapsed in front of Charles, sinking down to his knees, both hands pressed against his face.  
There was no potential to hold back the tears that fought their way to the surface to flow down his cheeks. 

 

Without being aware what had just happened, Charles watched this picture of misery in front of his feet.  
He could easily guess Erik hadn’t imagined his visit to turn out like that.  
Charles himself was not aware of, what he would do, before he’d done it.  
It would have been more reasonable to slap this bugger right into the face the moment he showed up in front of his door or to send him straight to hell for all the pain he’d caused him.  
The obvious fact was that Erik was as talented to hurt others as he was to hurt himself.  
Probably it was because he thought he deserved nothing more than loneliness and pain.  
That was wrong. That was absolutely wrong for so many reasons he couldn’t even name them.  
No one deserved to suffer. No one, no matter what he did or not, deserved to be abandoned when he honestly regretted.  
If there was one thing he learned during the years of his life, it was that there was sorrow existing in this world to an extend that seemed to be endless. A lot of it through no fault of one’s own.  
Even those, who were to blame, had mostly suffered beforehand during their life, what caused their way of actions, harm others in the process.  
An endless circle of suffering. It was not his intention to be part of it.  
He deserved better.  
Erik deserved better. 

Without even realising, he raised his right hand, fingertips touching the smooth blonde hair, stroking it slightly, before sinking down to his knees in front of the other.  
He laid his hands on top of Erik’s shaking ones still framing his face. 

„There’s not only black and white, Erik.  
Neither am I the bright light you claim me to be, nor are you the darkness you can’t manage to escape from.  
There is so much more to this world. There is so much more to you than you know. “ 

Hesitantly Erik let his hands slide, allowed Charles to be able to lift his gaze with a little pressure below his chin.  
He looked inside his eyes in a way that told the younger man, he was considered being absolutely insane for doing and saying all of this. As if it wasn’t up to him taking care of this mess Erik personally caused.  
Maybe he deserved his misery. He definitely deserved it as a result of the law of cause and effect, but it wasn’t anger that guided Charles behaviour anymore.  
He was tired. Tired of all the tears, questions, anger, suffering and yearning.  
After all this time that fed on this body and soul, he reached a turning point.  
It was enough. Time to change course.  
For Erik and for himself.

He formed a smile that softened his expression and let his fingers slide feathery above the tear wetted skin, before he forced himself to hold still. 

„Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning to absolve you from your sins.  
I’m not a saint. I’m as selfish as you are, my friend and I’m sick of suffering ‘cause of something that happened in the past and grieving for something that could have been.  
You’re right in front of me and I do believe you regret what you did, so…“ 

Charles had to clear his throat, arrange all the words popping up into his mind unorganised, as this conversation was nothing, he was able to prepare for, gaining him a slight headache in the process. 

„I want you to promise me you’ll never do this again…“ 

As he realised Erik was on the verge of saying something, he let his index and middle finger slide back to his lips, forcing him to shut up, what gained him a muffled grumble which he replied with a faint smile. 

„I want you to promise me, you’ll talk to me about the things you’ve got in mind.  
And it’s not like I’m telling you to inform me about every little detail of your existence.  
I want you to tell me, when there’s something troubling you, because I’m not able to look into your mind, Erik.  
I want you to be honest and most notably, I want you to stop punishing yourself, just, because you think you deserve it. I want you to allow yourself to be happy...  
If you’re able to do as much, if you think, I’m capable of giving you anything to make you happy; I’m offering you to make a fresh start. “

Charles lowered his fingers as permission for Erik to speak, but there were no words passing his lips.  
It was more like an audible, smothered whimper when more tears came to the surface, causing Charles to join in, his view visibly veiled from his own tears.  
He never saw him cry to this extant. He wasn’t even aware of the fact, he was capable of all those tears.  
When he once told him stories about his childhood and about his mother’s death, the sight of him crying, was almost breaking his heart, although there were not rudimentary as many tears involved as in this moment.  
This sight made him have a lump in his throat, forming the urge to protect this man.  
Not from the outside but from himself. 

He was about to lift his hands again to pull him closer, when Erik anticipated, hugging him tightly, pressing his forehead against the curve of his neck.  
Charles was pretty aware of the fact his light blue button down would show clear evidence of this treatment, but couldn’t care less in that moment. 

„Everything…“ 

The muffled voice of the blonde started, definitely muted from the fabric that seemed to be only in short distance to his mouth.  
Erik seemed like he had realised the fact, that his positon was not the perfect one to make sure his statement would be heard, so he leaned back soon after, putting his hands on top of the other man’s shoulders and looked him straight into the eyes.  
Charles felt his hot breath against his lips, trying to ignore it, while keeping still and returning the gaze. 

„… I promise to do everything I’m capable of. “

Those words made the younger smile again. An honest, warm smile that met his eyes. 

„That’s all I’m asking for. “ 

Erik tugged him into another, tighter embrace again, he willingly gave in to.

It didn’t matter his shirt was already drenched with Erik’s and his own tears.  
Didn’t matter they both looked disastrous by now and that both were sitting on a hard, cold, wooden floor that became more and more uncomfortable with every passing second. 

In fact, hearing Erik say those words, was all he’d wished for. 

No one could promise this would work or for how long it would, but there was always hope.  
At this precise moment Charles was sure, this hope was not in vain.


End file.
